So. I guess I should provide some information about myself,
eh? I’m originally from a small town in Southern California called Oxnard, but
I moved up here to Portland, OR in order to go to school at Reed College. I
love it up here. It’s been so great. I’m a junior studying Sociology. I’ve
always been interested in people, and I suppose that’s why I’m such a people
person. I live with four other girls in a house off campus. I love these girls.
We’ve been tight ever since freshman year. But sometimes they really just know
how to push my buttons. Normally I would talk to one of them about this, but
instead I’m going to try writing it out here. Maybe this can help me reflect on
things a bit more and gain some sort of insight.
One thing that I’ve been focusing on recently is picking my
battles. I hate it when things annoy me and I feel unable to voice that, but
I’m always scared of telling my roommates what’s on my mind for fear that
they’ll like me a little less or talk behind my back. In any case, I guess
that’s what I’m most afraid of: people not liking me. It’s a logical thing to
fear, right? I’m also afraid of missing out on things; even little things. It’s
funny because I know all my roommates feel this same way, but I feel like I
can’t talk about with them because they take things so personally. But that’s
the funny thing - I definitely do that, too.
Well, one of my roommates is the Queen of Passive
Aggression. She’s mastered this like none other. She’s very upfront with how
she feels, which is something I and the rest of my roommates admire, but she’s
so narrow-minded that it’s frustrating for the reset of us. Of course we all
love one another – that’s why we’ve remained friends since freshman year.
Sometimes it’s honestly hard to remember that they like me, though. I see this
one roommate’s passive aggressive tendencies as reasons for her not liking me
instead of other potential possibilities. At times I do feel that we have a
different relationship than she does with others in the house, but I guess
that’s life. I just have to remember that we all have different relationships
with each other. She comes to me for advice on boys and such because I guess
she honors my opinion about that. While she’ll joke with my other roommate
about this crappy show that they both enjoy. It’s hard to remember that she,
like me, has different relationships with everyone. The most important thing to
remember is that one friendship is not necessarily better than another. It’s
hard for me to say who I’m closest with in the house. It seems like this
changes almost every week. As I’m sure she feels similarly. But I really
shouldn’t focus on this because I hate competition. I always have. That’s one
reason I stopped playing on my high school’s lacrosse team and now only do it
recreationally. I hate competing with others; it stresses me out.
Anyways, whenever something bothers me concerning her or any
other or my roommates for that matter, I try to remember to pick my battles.
It’s important to choose when to voice concern about something. That’s what I
used to think, at least. But this simply bottles your emotions. That’s one of
my other roommate’s pet peeves – when people don’t just come out and say what’s
on their mind. Instead, they let it continue to simmer until one day things explode
over an unrelated event (what’s ironic is that she’s great at doing this, but
that’s for another post).
I was searching the Internet for how exactly to decide when
to choose your battles. I came across a post by a fellow blogger. She explained
how I’ve been feeling – how you have to choose when to strike. But the timing
shouldn’t matter at all. What’s being affected in the first place is how you
feel. Your emotions should come before any fight you choose to start. It’s
important to note how you’re feeling. Maybe your roommate is passive aggressive
and narrow-minded, but you can’t control that, even if you do choose to voice
how you feel. What you can control, though, is how you feel about it. The
majority of problems I have with my roommates are centered around small things
anyway, like washing dishes or misplacing my Tupperware. These aren’t major
life problems, but yes, they do affect how I feel on that day. They’re not
worth a fight, but more importantly they aren’t worth my anger. Very rarely is
there something that is worth my time and anger to fight about. Before I’ve
tried to blame it on my roommates and their lack of respect. And while it is
true that they are at fault for a lot, it’s also true that I can control my
reaction and my emotions.
I’ve battled with depression for a few years now and only
recently sought help for it. I’ve been put on medication, but I hate it. The
doctor said it really wasn’t necessary to go see a counselor, so instead of
taking my pills I’ve been trying to focus energy on controlling my emotions. What’s
funny is I don’t think I ever really had a problem with this until coming to
college. I’ve always been in touch with my emotions and I’ve always been
sensitive, but I’ve also been sensitive to others and their feelings. I have
high expectations for myself, and I also have high expectations for those
around me. That’s going to be difficult to change. What I can do instead is
this. My roommates are not under my control. I cannot control whether or not
they remember to extend an invitation for me to go to lunch with them, or if
they use my dishes respectfully. I can control, though, how I react. I gained a
lot from reading this other blogger’s advice on picking battles, and I want to
see if her advice does actually work. So I guess this is my latest study. I
want to see if I change how I react, if this will have an effect on my
roommates. This other blogger stressed how her husband has also become more
thoughtful in his responses, and she didn’t even have to tell him about her
behavior change!
I’d like for you to read a quote from her blog, “Picking
your battles is not about choosing when to fight. It’s about choosing what is
worth your anger and what is not. The battle is not with your spouse. The
battle that you are choosing is about you.” I think that really sums up how I’ve
been feeling, and I hope that with this new understanding I can change my
behavior like she has and be able to benefit from it.
